Author: Brett Fujioka
Dressed to kill and clad with dancing shoes, a group of Oxy students were on a mission: To use various pick-up lines in order to determine which ones could strike up legitimate conversations or potentially garner a number or two. Two women, Lucky (junior) and Cheetarah (sophomore), participated in the experiment. Kitty (junior) didn’t use any pickup lines, but lingered for the dancing and the ensuing hilarity. Four men, Spike (junior), Calro (junior), Archie (sophomore), and Jiro (junior) took part in the activity during the night.
Searching for people to hit on was more difficult than originally anticipated. The men had a hard time finding women who were alone, bored, not desperate, or appeared single. A lot of the women who met their guidelines were on the dance floor and it was impossible to initiate anything due to the blaring music. “I need to lower my standards,” Lucky said when she realized she was being too picky with her targets. Despite these complications, they managed to squeeze in an ample amount of pick-up lines for the night.
Disclaimer: The author and the Weekly renounces any responsibility should someone try to replicate these results. It is simply out of pure luck that nobody slapped any of the participants in this experiment.
The first male in the group to step up was Archie. He used a sum total of two pick-up lines throughout the night, and one was technically Jiro’s. First, he asked Jiro to stand in place and wave at him when he gestured towards him. “Hello, my friend here wants to know whether or not it’s true that ‘once you go Asian, the party starts ragin,'” he said to a winsome blonde gesturing towards Jiro. Unaware of the context of the pick-up line, Jiro waved and grinned like a tool in response. “I have a boyfriend,” she said.
Half dejected, Archie scanned the dance floor for his next victim. A girl sidled up behind him and started dancing. “Is that a shovel in your pocket? Because I’m digging that ass,” he said. “No,” she said without another word.
As for the female side, Lucky commenced the night. “My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute,” she said. “Of course, why wouldn’t I?” he said, striking up a small conversation before she departed. Scanning the dance floor, she met the gaze of a quiet looking man and approached him. “Your eyes have told me everything but your name,” she said. They flirted for some time before the man eventually revealed he was married. Monogamy is a definite turn off in the club scene.
In spite of Lucky’s high standards, a man conspicuously dressed in a tuxedo caught her eye. “Is that a shovel in your pocket, because I’m digging that ass,” she said to him. Again, this initiated a conversation until Lucky realized “how awkward and old he was,” and shied away. Awkwardness and age are everyone’s kryptonite. She approached a man standing with a friend. “Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?” she asked before winking. Both men laughed and the friend gave a thumbs-up to his buddy before walking away. Lucky also had some more enthusiastic responses. “Did you just grab my ass?” she said to one man. “No, but did you want me to?” he said, which started a brief but fruitless chat.
As the night waned, she unleashed her most confusedly vulgar pick-up line possible. “Did you fall from Heaven? Because I have an erection,” she said to an unsuspecting guy. Surprisingly, he laughed and even asked her to dance. Most guys would have either gotten slapped, a drink flung in their face, or a cold shoulder. Lucky received neither, so there must be some form of gender discrimination involved in the art of pick-up lines.
Spike tried three pick-up lines during the night. “Would you hold it against me if I said that you have an amazing body?” he said to one girl. She smiled in response, and walked away without a word. Apparently, she did hold it against him. The sparkle from a woman’s sequin dress attracted his attention. “Wow, your dress is really shiny. I can totally see myself in it,” he said to her. She laughed and turned around. He was shot down when he asked a girl to dance, but then again she was sitting down.
Cheetarah started off the night by hitting up the bar. “Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?” she said to a patron. He shrugged and she winked. “Oh,” he said, “No, thanks.” “Is that a shovel in your pocket because I’m digging that ass,” she said to another person drowning his sorrows. Laughter ensued followed by a quick and uncomfortable silence. His friend later thanked Cheetarah and told her that it was a huge ego boost for him because he had never been hit on before. “Did you just fart, because you blew me away,” she said for comedic relief. “I didn’t fart,” he said. Cheetarah then explained our experiment to him, to which he laughed and asked her to dance. Explaining to people that you’re conducting an experiment about pick-up lines is an excellent line itself.
“Do you want to see if the carpets match the drapes?” Cheetarah said to an Argentinean patron at the bar. He initially didn’t understand the metaphor due to the language barrier and Cheetarah had to explain her pick-up line. “My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute,” she said to her next target. “Yes,” he said, introducing himself. It turned out that he was a Marine about to be deployed to Afghanistan in a couple of months. They talked, danced, and flirted with one another until Sarah left to continue the test.
“Did you fall from heaven because I have an erection,” she said to another patron. She repeated it to him several times before it dawned on him. He laughed, and was silent before Cheetarah departed. “If you were a booger, then I’d pick you first,” she said to someone else. He laughed, shook his head, and turned away.
Jiro tried two pick-up lines. “Your eyes have told me everything except your name,” he said to one girl and she gave it to him. In all honesty, she was the one who approached him. He was dancing by himself on the platform and she climbed up and joined him. After he got her name, they talked on the patio and she said that she was “Impressed that [he] danced on the platform. Most guys are too shy to do that.” Jiro got her contact info before resuming his investigation for the night. He topped off the evening with the notorious “Heaven/Erection” pick-up line. He had to repeat it twice before it finally dawned on her, she laughed and said, “Thank you.”
The last up to bat was Calro. He tried four different pick-up lines on several girls. “I may be fluffy, but the worst thing that I’ll do is eat without you,” he said while grasping his gut. The girl politely smiled and departed without a word. “Do you like guys who are broke and fluffy?” he said, carrying the same theme with an identical response.
However, Calro was much more successful when he changed the themes of his two other pick-up lines. “My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute,” he said to a different girl. “I think you’re cute, but I have a boyfriend, but you’re a good looking guy,” she said. “Yeah, you’re handsome and I’m sure that you’ll find someone tonight,” her friend said, chiming along. Calro’s fourth and final pick-up line for the night was seemingly the least potentially successful one. “Believe it or not, I’m a Jedi Knight. Want to see my light saber?” he asked a girl. She laughed and they struck up a conversation.
Throughout this experiment, the pick-up line that was the most effective was “My friend wants to know if you think that I’m cute.” The intentionally absurd or vulgar pick-up lines were unsuccessful in most cases. However, obscene ones were effective for the girls to use on guys because they intimated a humorous response. Nothing brings two people closer together like shared laugh.
Kitty, who did not participate in the experiment, was such a pimp that she had guys flinging themselves on her from right and left without saying a single word. All she had to do was dance like the world wasn’t watching. Surprisingly, Calro’s Jedi pick-up line was his most successful one.
So perhaps the moral of the story is: if you’re going to use a pick up line, be yourself with it . . . or just be a cute girl.
This article has been archived, for more requests please contact us via the support system.
