Super Sunday?

24

Author: Andrew Valdes

Well folks, its the time of year again where it becomes our civic duty as Americans to gather around the television, stuff our selves stupid with fatty foods and watch grown men bash themselves into each other for hours on end. While cartoon animals dance and sing, and celebrities slap their name to any god-forsaken product that can be sold, I’m fairly certain there is some sort of sporting event going on as well. I will attempt to put this grand event into perspective and grade the numerous aspects of the game, giving a complete break down of Super Bowl XLII both on and off the field. So tighten your chinstraps, pass the chips and check your jock straps (we don’t want any wardrobe malfunctions do we?). Let’s get ready for some football.

Pre-game: B-. I was already off to a less than stellar start. I woke up at 2 p.m. and found myself nursing a hangover that could floor a large land mammal. However, I am pretty sure I can accurately sum up the 14 plus hours of coverage that I missed. Lets see . . . the Patriots are undefeated, but dirty rotten cheaters. Tom Brady=God to New England fans, Bill Belicheck loves sweatshirts, but does not like sleeves and Logan Mankins’ beard alone is more manly then I can ever hope to be (seriously, if you have not seen the thing, it is majestic). Then there are the Giants, the obvious underdogs, led by Eli Manning who is neither as good, nor as marketable as his older brother Peyton. However, considering that the Giant’s defensive line can even make the immortal Tom Brady wince, it looked like a good match-up. Now seriously, cut the crap and lets see some over-hyped football.

Commercials: C. As you and I both know, commercials are one of the most anticipated parts of the Super Bowl experience. Saldy, this year there was no clear-cut favorite, just some pretty average ones and a couple awful ads. The two commercials that stood out most as being awesomely terrible were done by SalesGenie.com, an on-line company that provides sales leads. Not only were the two ads terrible, they honestly looked like those commercials you see on network TV around 11 a.m., just after the Price is Right. If you failed to see them, one featured an Indian man named Ramesh, who is a sales associate with seven kids and sounds like a poor mans’ Apu. The other featured Ling Ling, the Panda who is having trouble with his Bamboo furniture store. While both lacked the quality and high budget of a typical Super Bowl ad. I was overall not quite fond of the subtle racism and blatant stereotypes. All in all, not the worst Super Bowl ads, but it couldn’t hurt to have more talking babies and dancing animals.

1st Half: D-. 10 points? That’s it? After all of this hype, anticipation, sweet pyrotechnics, and forced cheesy Americana, we were forced to sit through a two-hour punting match between the two teams. What happened to the so-called, “offensive Juggernaut” the Patriots have displayed all season? Where was the 80-yard bomb to Moss?

Half Time: B+. The half-time entertainment was Tom Petty, which stayed true to the NFL’s current motto concerning half time shows, “if he’s old and white, he’s alright.” After a few minutes of generic rock, I flipped that sucker to Spike TV to watch the National Ham Eating Contest. Now I’m sure Tom Petty was good and all, but I mean how often do you get to watch four dudes, a petite Asian woman, and what looked like a homeless guy stuff themselves full of ham nearly to the point of self implosion for 8 minutes. I think the NFL needs to rethink their strategy on this one.

2nd Half: B. In all honesty, the second half was not really all that great. The 3rd quarter produced zero points and my food coma was beginning to set in. Thankfully the 4th quarter had finally provided us with the action we had all been waiting for. Both offenses came to life and the defenses came through with crucial plays. Brady was finally able to connect with Moss giving the Pats’ a 14-10 lead with 2:42 left, but perfection would have to take a back seat to non other than . . . Eli Manning?? Yes indeed Manning led a gutsy drive converting once on 4th down and twice on 3rd and long. The most memorable of these conversions was when Eli Manning made an athletic dash and avoided the clutches of the New England defense to throw a 33 yard prayer to David Tyree, putting him at the 24 yard line with 35 seconds left. The end result: a heartbreaking and easy touchdown pass to Plaxico Buress, who caught the ball uncontested as the Patriot defender lost his footing at the beginning of the route.

Overall I am not quite sure what to make of the Super Bowl. In a way I feel cheated in the sense that I sat through four hours of so-so over hyped football only to be blown away with an outcome that I’m sure nobody saw coming. Congratulations to the Giants and for you Giants fans who stuck with your team I commend you on your foolish pride. As for Patriots fans you guys always have next year and hey I hear your baseball, basketball, MLS, and hockey teams are not half bad either.

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