Author: Haley Gray
Occidental College has a problem coping with the wilder spirits of its students. As is the case every semester, this fall the off-campus community has incurred all manner of noise ordinance, alcohol, guest and other policy violations. It is indicative of the incorrigible nature of our off-campus students. Clearly, they can not be reasoned with. I propose the college should abandon trying. What follows is a modest proposal on how to cope with Occidental’s rampant debauchery.
First and foremost, one must realize that Occidental students are irrational and childlike. They cannot be trusted with honest communication and they are beneath reason. The goal of Campus Safety and the Office of Student Life ought to be to write up and punish as many students as possible.
If the off-campus community is in constant fear of probation, suspension or even expulsion, students will be too fearful to act in any way that might lead them to incur harsh punishment. This policy might be unpalatable to students but remember, they are not rational. Clear communication will only agitate them.
While students might be quite distressed if their status in extracurricular activities is threatened or revoked as a result of punishments incurred via this policy, this is not the concern of the Office of Student Life. It would be impractical for them to keep this in mind while processing so many write-ups, and why should the whimsical problems of children be of any importance to such an important office?
In dealing with off-campus students, deception is key. The reason for this is clear: If students are told the truth, that regardless of their cooperation they will be subjected to the conduct process and all that it entails, they might realize that it does not make sense for them to cooperate with Campus Safety officers attempting to shut down their parties. This would of course be a tremendous problem, for the administration must be beholden to constant placation of Occidental’s neighborhood.
When a noise complaint regarding an Occidental student’s home is received from a neighbor (this is virtually always how off campus parties are detected), the responding Campus Safety officers should be honest with the student. Officers ought to tell students that if they do what they are told at the moment of the incident (i.e. turn off the music and disperse from the party) their cooperation will be rewarded with no further punishment. If the officers are uncomfortable with this degree of blatant dishonesty, simply alluding to the same notion will suffice. Remember, Occidental students are moronic. They are below dignified, genuine communication. Lying to them is therefore entirely permissible.
At the time of the incident, Campus Safety officers should take special note of who they speak with and who takes charge of shutting down the party. Off-campus students tend to live in groups, with several students to a house. The few who take responsibility for speaking to the Campus Safety officers and comply with their orders (with the promise of no further consequences) are the responsible few of the house; they are the leaders who have taken it upon themselves to cope with the situation, unpleasant as it might be. Officers should note which students in the house take on this role, and reserve the harshest punishment for them. If all other house members are put on censure, those who take it upon themselves to handle the situation responsibly are to be put on probation. This is permissible because Occidental students are beneath respect. Even the most upstanding individual deserves to be deceived and reprimanded at any opportunity. Conduct officers are to use this information to give the most responsible students the harshest punishment to remind them that regardless of their efforts to be respectful neighbors and responsible adults, they are ultimately incorrigible children in need of constant discipline.
Additionally, and this should go without saying, the Office of Student Life ought to look up all members of the house and write them up. Proof of their involvement in the incident is not necessary. Remember, all Occidental students are probably guilty. All students are to be found responsible until proven otherwise and when in doubt, the most reasonable assumption is always that they are guilty.
Throughout the conduct process, Occidental students should be made to feel safe and cared-for. Coddling is ideal, honesty is unimportant. Conduct officers should engage students with all the airs of earnestness that he or she can muster. They should interview students living at the home in question separately so as to find holes in their story (there will inevitably be holes because Occidental students are devious children). Because the Occidental student body is so exceptionally problematic, if conduct officers are inundated with student conduct hearings, then pairing off some students for hearings to speed along the process is alright. Never mind that this treatment might be seen as unfair.
As the French discovered the keen, efficient guillotine method for their revolution, so too must the Office of Student Life find an effective method for dealing with the utterly unmanageable problem of off-campus hooliganism.
Always remember, the problem is never that too many students are being written up. The problem is that Occidental students are beneath reason.
*Note, while the actual motivations of the Office of Student Life have not been confirmed, the policy procedures advocated in this proposal are based entirely off of actual student experiences, collected from more than fifteen students at four different off-campus houses.
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