Author: Sam Byrne
Sex and relationship expert Dr. Ian Kerner wrote a column for CNN Health entitled “Female Infidelity: It’s Different for the Guys,” outlining his ironically-unprofessional opinions on the causes and detrimental effects of infidelity in heterosexual relationships. The high infidelity rate is the fault of a society that refuses to make responsible decisions or to communicate honest intentions and is quick to ignore the moral guidelines of relationships for the sake of temporary sexual or emotional satisfaction.
The idealized virgin bride fairytale is no longer customary or desired in American society, as romantic relationships today are characterized by ambiguous expectations and uncertain boundaries. Younger generations interpret “until death do us part” as a quaint liturgical phrase romanticizing the sanctity of marriage and denying the likelihood of marital disaster. According to Infidelityfacts.com, 57 percent of American men admit to committing adultery in a relationship, and women trail closely behind at an impressive 54 percent, forcing one to think of a new wedding vow: Until disloyalty do us part.
Dr. Kerner begins with the opening line, “In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.” Without context or intellectual consideration, Kerner immediately awards men with the victim status in this article, while women are reprimanded for a behavior that men are statistically more likely to exhibit.
“Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship,” Kerner adds, but fails to articulate fully. A crucial distinction needs to be made for this assertion to hold any value — women are less likely to end a relationship not because male infidelity is acceptable, but because women are more willing to work through problems and forgive the man who comes back begging on his knees for a second chance with a sincere promise of commitment.
In many cases, due to traditional gender roles, women have more to lose, like financial support and a parental partnership if a marriage fails. Kerner presents this distinction in a manner that relieves the man of guilt if the woman takes him back. Assuming the man is not offered this “get out of jail free card,” then, as Kerner insinuates, the failed relationship is the fault of the woman.
According to Kerner, the same standard does not hold true for men. If the woman is caught cheating, the turmoil that follows is a direct consequence of the woman’s actions. Kerner offers several mindless suggestions as to why women are more prone to cheat than in the past, one of which includes the female presence in the workforce. Kerner leads into his chauvinist declarations with the disclaimer, “… there aren’t any hard statistics on female infidelity.” Following this qualification, Kerner makes an assertion void of any concrete evidence or critical thought, stating, “Most experts agree that [infidelity is] on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers.”
Kerner suggests it would be preposterous to assume that a woman might actually get work done in the office and that she instead would seek out a coworker to have sex with. Kerner also proposes that spending too much time at home could lead to infidelity as a “child-centric marriage … prioritiz[es] parenting and neglects the couple’s relationship.” So, as Kerner observes, women can neither leave the house to work nor stay in the house to parent their child without exposing themselves to a greater likelihood of infidelity. This is why America has an infidelity problem: unwarranted mistrust and irrational conclusions.
Kerner continues his self-righteous diatribe, throwing around hackneyed phrases that reveal his inability to produce an original or productive thought. The doctor explains that when men cheat, “they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time,” and their actions are justified by the fact that “boys will be boys.” Furthermore, Kerner insists that “men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love,” proposing that physical cheating, as opposed to emotional cheating, is morally acceptable. It would be interesting to hear Dr. Kerner’s professional diagnoses for these clichéd explanations, instead of preaching phrases that bear almost no meaning due to their unintelligent and overused nature.
Dr. Kerner may not hold the same beliefs as all men in America, but the fact that a famous sexuality counselor and New York Times bestselling author can publish such an underdeveloped and hollow article shows that society’s ignorance toward infidelity is a problem. Judging from his attitude towards women, Kerner has likely been cheated on by a partner toward whom he still feels deep animosity. This is not an excuse, however, to categorize all women as home-wrecking deviants. Men cheat, too, and more often than women. The perpetrator is not specifically women or men, however. Dr. Kerner’s blissfully ignorant observations and insights only confirm that America’s infidelity problem is rooted in a lack of cultural understanding and a society that is fundamentally sexist.
Sam Byrne is an undeclared first year. She can be reached at sbyrne@oxy.edu
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