Author: Eric Jensen, Managing Editor
It’s almost Thanksgiving. Which means it’s almost Christmas. Which means that the end of the year 2007 is fast approaching. And what better time than now, as the year that brought us Britney’s “comeback” and Barack Obama’s declaration of intra-Oxy pot smoking, to boot out some outdated trends? I know that New Years is still months away, but I figure it’s not too soon to start thinking about resolutions. Here are a few of my suggestions for improvement; some goals to set for ourselves as a community for the year of 2008.
Stop puking in doorways. I am aware that the red wine-chugging contest seemed inspired at the time, and frankly I applaud your bravery. Anyone confident enough to believe that they can consume an entire bottle of Merlot in under five minutes deserves a round of applause for their impressive, if not frightening, indifference to their own wellbeing. But here’s the thing, if you’re set on completing the task, then make sure that you’re ready to handle the consequences. Maybe it’s just a Chilcott thing, but it seems that the night’s bar supply always makes an appearance at the threshold of the bathroom, or on the mats outside the hall entrance. It has even on occasion occurred in such a manner that the water fountain was inaccessible, flanked by a moat of God-knows-what on the carpet. Next year, consider trying some creative solutions, like a bucket necklace. Or moderation.
Quit burning stuff. I know, I know, beating a dead horse, but let’s go over it one more time. It is not nice to burn stuff on campus-like a chair in Stearns. Clearly someone needs to get a job. Or a hobby, or a girlfriend, or arrested. Something needs to change, because as of right now destructive behavior on campus is not funny; it’s just mean to Campus Safety. It’s a creation versus destruction kind of thing. Hate the administration? Articulate your feelings through the art of interpretive dance. Make a finger painting that summarizes your views and post it on the Marketplace doors. I feel that these are acceptable forms of expression for the intelligent minds that currently get their kicks and giggles from brewing up schemes like throwing a match into an armchair. I encourage them to try some alternatives. If all else fails, they could even set themselves on fire. Now that’s comedy.
Improve “funny” letters to the editor. Nothing busts my gut like the out-of-control hilarity of the witty, fresh remarks that are tirelessly sent to the Letters to the Editor section week after week. Some people always have something so brilliantly sarcastic to say, don’t they? They are just so great at that sarcasm. And those critiques! Isn’t it pleasant that people who don’t even write for the paper have so much disparaging input for the staff? It’s so appropriate! It’s totally their place to pass that degree of harsh judgment. Recognize that tone? I bet you do, because it’s the same one we hear every week in the LTE section.
I think Letters to the Editor are an important medium for us to receive feedback from the student body, but it’s depressing to think that our readership is limited to the same small group of people who write in every week, using the same basic template for their commentary. I’d just like to announce that if the feedback monopoly continues in 2008, I expect our panel of judges to come up with some new jokes. If we have to be under fire all the time, I would at least hope it’s not the same tired old fire every week. Also, I am expecting a letter regarding this article. Consider this a challenge.
That’s all I’ve got for now. With these changes under way, we can all look forward to a brighter future.
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