Self Sabotage:
Tell everyone that you aren’t going out tonight. Pre-shatter your phone and don’t bring a jacket with you. Rip six shots and text your top three current/ex hookups at LEAST twelve times each. Give yourself bangs.
Subject line of an email from Sara Semal:
Use the words “academic anxiety,” “giveaway” and RANDOMLY CAPITALIZE. Don’t be afraid to try scare tactics … as well as overuse ellipses … Print onto a t-shirt given to “the first five people to participate.” Give yourself a flu shot. If you caved to Sara Semal’s pressure and already received one in the quad, take a shot labeled “flu” instead.
Fledgling Male Stand Up Comedian:
Wear light wash ill-fitting jeans, black converse, flannel t-shirt and rectangular glasses. All material must be about your ex-girlfriend, not having sex and/or your penis. Talk shit about LA, move here anyway and enroll in every class available at Upright Citizens Brigade.
Iceberg that the Titanic hit:
Look innocuous enough but inadvertently ruin the night of anyone who accidentally comes into contact with you. Bonus: Find a way to displace seawater.
Faust’s Mephistopheles:
Transform self into embodiment of nihilism and materialism. Spend majority of time publicly ascertaining the inherent faults in existing systems and humans. Bonus: adorn self with perfectly arched brows and hooves.
Beauty Vlogger:
Transform self into embodiment of nihilism and materialism. Spend majority of time publicly ascertaining the inherent faults in existing systems and humans. Bonus: adorn self with perfectly arched brows and hooves.
A Couple on House Hunters:
Make an unrealistic housing budget with your significant other. Every time you walk into a room examine all of the appliances before saying that you plan on doing renovations, even if the room has recently been renovated. Bicker incessantly, leading viewers to wonder if you should still be dating, let alone buying a house together. At the end of the night, choose the worst housing option you saw.
“Devil’s Advocate:”
Enroll in Politics or History 101. Wear flip flops and join ASOC Senate. Say the word “fiscal” a lot. Wait impatiently for your gold star.
