Pregame Speculation — written last week
Just a few weeks ago, Americans subscribing to a host of different football fandoms were asking Ravens quarterback and 2023 NFL MVP Winner Lamar Jackson to please save them. From what, you might ask? This god-awful clash of two of the most hateable teams in football.
The Ravens unfortunately fell flat in an AFC Championship matchup with the infamous Kansas City Chiefs. A usually potent Ravens offense only put up ten points, tying a season low for total points scored.
Though there are also conversations about whether Jackson was truly deserving of winning the 2023 MVP, the shots fired in this column will not be aimed in his direction. We’ve got an abhorrent matchup to cover.
The Chiefs will be meeting the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl LVIII. San Francisco is a team that, unlike Kansas City, most analysts had ranked as the true juggernaut of the league throughout the season. Led by second-year quarterback Brock Purdy, the last pick in the 2022 NFL draft, this 49ers team really grinds my gears, mostly due to my jealousy of how good they are. As a Dallas Cowboys fan (I know, please don’t make fun of me) the pain of seeing a team that has bludgeoned my Cowboys time and time again in regular season games and in the playoffs is too great to take. With a 49ers win on Sunday, the hooligans from Santa Clara will officially have won a Super Bowl more recently than the Cowboys. This would be an utter disaster for Cowboys fans everywhere – while we remained chained to the terrors of yet another first round exit in the playoffs.
Even though watching the 49ers in a Super Bowl makes me want to poke white-hot needles into my eyes, they’re here for a reason.
A true force on both sides of the ball, beating the 49ers is a herculean task that frankly not many teams are up to. With impact players like acclaimed running back Christian McCaffrey (a new addition for the 2023 season), dynamic wide receiver Deebo Samuel, and one of the best tight ends in the league (besides the dreaded Travis Kelce) in George Kittle, the skill positions are simply loaded with talent. Star left tackle Trent Williams has dealt with his fair share of controversy, though, most recently seriously injuring Cowboys linebacker Leighton Vander Esch on an illegal block in the back play, ending his season and putting the rest of his playing career in jeopardy. I won’t say Brock Purdy is outright carried by this group, but Brock Purdy did completely get carried by this group. On the defensive side of the ball, things get even scarier. The players with the most name recognition are multi-time pro-bowler Fred Warner, and defensive end Nick Bosa.
Though this 49ers team may seem impossible to root for unless you’re from San Francisco or just riding the bandwagon, it may actually be harder to root for this Chiefs team.
It’s fair to say that the Kansas City Chiefs have become the most hated team in the NFL. Football fans who thought they were free with the downfall of the Patriots dynasty have now found themselves in a new pair of handcuffs.
Let’s start off with the face of the franchise: Patrick Mahomes. While Mahomes himself doesn’t have any egregiously bad qualities, he isn’t without his problems. Mahomes is a major proponent of the “put ketchup on everything” ideology that has soiled the state of American cuisine. Mahomes himself has even admitted to eating ketchup and bread sandwiches in his youth, which is a disgusting act that should frankly be illegal. Mahomes has accrued enough prestige throughout his NFL career to influence entire generations of athletes, and the fact that he uses such influence to promote some of the most unholy culinary atrocities known to humankind is reason enough to dislike him.
However, Mahomes’ questionable taste in food pales in comparison to what Travis Kelce’s pulled. Ever since Kelce lucked into dating the most famous woman on the planet, much fame and praise has been bestowed upon the perennial pro-bowler. Unfortunately for Kelce, dating T-Swizzle does not serve to erase the skeletons in his closet. Despite his seemingly goofy and well-meaning demeanor, Kelce has found himself embroiled in controversy over the past few years, most notably for hosting a Bachelor rip-off. Has Taylor Swift not dealt with enough players throughout her life? The only thing to look forward to regarding Kelce in the Super Bowl is his awesome mom and brother. That, and the inevitable break up song on “The Tortured Poets Department” if he loses.
Postgame Reaction
BREAKING: The Kansas City Chiefs have won Super Bowl LVIII: Hell remains hot.
Somehow, we all knew it was going to happen. The Kansas City Chiefs may be the one inevitability in the world of football. No matter how terrible they look at the start of the year, (remember when they lost to the Lions in week one?) this team is powered by some sort of dark magic that allows them to withstand all challenges and win championships.
It doesn’t help much that this game was a complete snooze for the first half. Until Usher took his shirt off, there wasn’t much to talk about outside from Travis Kelce throwing a temper tantrum on the sidelines and Ice Spice being in the press box.
We’ll give credit where credit is due, though—the second half of this game was great. With both teams miraculously remembering how to play football and turning a 10-3 bore into an entertaining 19-19 contest. Unfortunately, overtime was so predictable that it almost felt rehearsed, with the 49ers offense sputtering in the red zone and allowing the Chiefs to score the game-winning touchdown right before overtime ended, further contributing to the theory that NFL games are scripted.
49ers coach Kyle Shanahan has now allowed three double–digit comebacks in the Super Bowl during his coaching career in the NFL, and fans will continue to question whether he can still get it done in the big game. The Chiefs defensive game plan forced Purdy to make tough decisions throwing the ball throughout, and lo and behold, he folded. In the case of Purdy, the system quarterback allegations have not been beaten, and the haters have been handed more ammunition.
While many are glad that the 49ers did lose, Mahomes getting ring number three on Sunday brings me an apathetic feeling of hatred. Swifties across the land only had to watch about half of one NFL season before being awarded a Lombardi trophy, a stark departure from the years of pain and turmoil that most fans must push though before experiencing success.
This past Sunday, the real losers of the game were the American people, and the real winners were the Las Vegas casino owners who surely had a wonderful weekend of taking the money of dejected 49ers fans looking to drown their sorrows. Maybe you had fun if you were watching the Nickelodeon broadcast.
Contact Mac and Ben at ribner@oxy.edu and petteruti@oxy.edu
