As a hopeless romantic, I used to believe relationships were supposed to be carefree. I thought if you were meant to be with someone, everything would fall right into place. I now laugh at myself because my relationship is far from picturesque. It is characterized by birthday celebrations over FaceTime, coming home to an empty apartment and breaking the bank for mediocre middle-seat plane tickets for a single weekend. There is even an ongoing joke amongst my friends that my boyfriend is fake and a figment of their imagination because he is rarely around. However, I would not trade my relationship for the world.
My boyfriend, Patrick, and I have been dating long-distance for a year and a half. We met during his last month at Occidental when I was only a first year, so we were in a difficult situation when he graduated — he was attending graduate school at Vanderbilt University. Patrick was adamant about not wanting me to make a huge commitment to him so young and was afraid of holding me back — he knew how much self-growth college entails and wanted me to experience it alone. Being even younger and more naive than I still am, I told him I knew I could tough it out. We also knew his nursing program would be extremely consuming and balancing time to see each other would strain us, so we didn’t know the best thing to do.
Surprisingly, his mother’s thoughts on our situation shifted our way of approaching things. She told us that relationships are not always about making the smartest or most logical moves. She said if you love someone enough, you both will make every effort to show up for each other. I know it’s cliche, but I knew Patrick was the one for me and that he was someone I could trust to also put in the dirty work of maintaining a long-distance relationship.
It was a rough start riddled with trying to align schedules for phone calls and letting the insecurity of thinking the other would want someone else pass, but we slowly fell into a healthy rhythm. Don’t get me wrong, it still sucks only seeing each other every two months. Nonetheless, the physical distance has been the most beneficial aspect of our relationship. In fact, it has even strengthened it.
I am forever grateful that I am forming my sense of self away from my partner. As someone who used to be very dependent in romantic relationships, I know having my partner only a call away would have wrecked my ability to develop independence. A ton of my time would have been structured around being with them. Instead, I can better prioritize nurturing friendships, further exploring my academic interests or just doing the spontaneous activities you do in college on a random weeknight. I have an entire sense of self apart from Patrick, which is solely built on my own experiences and independent development. Being sure of yourself and your morals is important because a relationship should not define you but supplement and aid your growth.
Both Patrick and I are busy bees. If he’s not working a clinical rotation, he’s building his ridiculous 40-page study guides. If I’m not parsing through James Joyce, I’m cutting Oxford commas in articles. There is no way we would both have the mental energy to try and carve out time at the end of every week and be 100 percent present for each other. In our situation, long-distance gives us the best of both worlds. We get to have jam-packed lives and develop as separate people while still having a deep romantic connection with someone we have committed to. It has ensured trust in each other and shows us how much we want our relationship. It also makes us truly value the short chunks of time we spend together.
I could easily make a listicle of tips for a healthy long-distance relationship, but no relationship is the same. Everyone’s partners and priorities are different, so I don’t think there is a specific reason why Patrick and I are so successful. Perhaps it is because we are motivated by the cheesy fact that we desire no one else and can imagine a life together in the future, but I also believe we are simply two people who are willing to go through growing pains and admit when they feel lonely and insecure. Years in the future, I will still appreciate the time we spent apart. I am confident I will not “lose” myself and will never have to rely on my partner to define who I am or find things to do.
Even though long-distance relationships have a poor reputation, being physically separated has saved Patrick and me from being too reliant on each other and has helped me become more secure in myself. We anticipate eventually closing the distance — the plan is to move in together after I graduate next May — but I will never take for granted the freedom I currently have to autonomously discover who I am. For now, I am satisfied with our embarrassing goodbye hugs at the airport, because I know our love is worth our effort.
Contact Anna Beatty at beatty@oxy.edu
