The roast of Genevieve Babcock

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Roasting. A widely used practice in all walks of life, from middle school playgrounds, to the White House correspondents’ dinner. The purpose of a roast is to “honor” the roastee. And I, Claire Krelitz, self-appointed “roastmaster,” aim to be as brutal as possible.

Now that we have acquainted ourselves, please, let me introduce the guest of honor: Occidental Weekly Humor Section editor and biggest contributor — also known as Occidental’s least prestigious feat, next to the one month of Peer Health Exchange we all eagerly tried sophomore year — Genevieve Babcock.

Genny B, you might be “campus famous” for your article, “I went to the ‘urban sweat lodge’ Selena Gomez swears by,” but good luck getting a job when your future employer Google searches for your LinkedIn headshot and instead sees this:

 

While on the subject of getting a job after college, do you think you can you list on your resumé, “I successfully advised an entire campus of 2,000 students on how to ‘darty and make it to the narty?’” When your job application asks for a writing sample, how about forwarding your masterpiece that tackles the complex issues of our contentious political time: “Open letter to the person who ejaculated onto a bunch of our stuff.”

This year your section truly defined boundaries, pushed for critical dialogue and fostered inclusivity. Particularly your work on mitigating stereotypes about college majors in your (our) piece: “Quiz: what the majors are like in bed,” where the best joke you could come up with for a math major was “69.”

While, “The five stages of senior comps” will no longer be relevant to you after you graduate, I’m sure your five-step process will be applicable to other tough situations you will face in life after college. Like, “The five stages of living with your parents,” or, “The five stages of realizing you will never be in a loving relationship,” or, “The five stages of coming to terms with the fact that being a college humor editor means nothing when it comes to looming student debt, an economy still rebounding from a recession, job scarcity and living in a country ruled by a fascist president with a growing income gap that will soon leave most of the country living in poverty.” How about, “The five stages of not contributing to society?”

We can thank you for the quote “Life is short. Until then, I raise my glass and say live, laugh, GLOW,” which could be painted in cursive on a fake chalkboard hanging in the homes of Airbnbs.

By now I am sure you are wondering, how hard is it to write for the humor section anyway? How will anyone fill the looming void creative genius Genevieve Babcock once held? Let me lay out a simple template for all future Weekly humor articles:

Option A:

1. Choose an aspect of Occidental culture (i.e. off campus house names or CSP titles)

2. Take a witty, ironic spin that communicates your status as a “chill girl”

3. Choose a fun format

Option B:

1. Choose an aspect of liberal arts “culture” (i.e. Foucault)

2. Take a pretentious but “down to earth” spin that communicates your status as a “casual intellectual”

3. Choose a fun format

Congrats! You just got published in the Occidental Weekly Humor Section. Too bad you’ll never see your work in print.

But alas, even roastmasters have weak spots. Here’s to creating a section worthy of a roast. I speak for myself (because I’m just a lowly Weekly freelancer) when I say you will be sincerely missed.